Rolling the Probability Dice


Today, I want to share this song.

This has been a pretty tough day, rounding out a pretty tough week.

It was the first day back at work after the virus. I’m not writing professionally at the moment, so I’ve got a “right now,” job. It’s a paycheck and I’m glad for that. For what it is, it’s a good job. But, I spent most of the day today crying in the bathroom because I miss making my living as a writer.

Yeah, it sounds a little wussy, but I’m a sensitive artist type. We’re allowed to be a little moody and sensitive. And to be fair, I’m actually not that wussy. I’m just sharing those professional insecurities that people don’t usually share.

But that’s the thing about making a living on your art form. Artists have a love/hate relationship with their art. They hate their art when it stares them down in deadlines, and they pray for a free second to breathe. They dream of the day when the projects and deadlines will free up and they can just “focus on their art.” Hahaha!  That’s the irony I found when I’ve written full-time. I want things to slow down so that I can write. (?!) But, when we can’t do our art, it’s all we can think about–how much we miss it. 

So, today, when I finally exited the bathroom and stopped sniffling, and did normal people work, I remembered this song.

On it’s surface, U2’s Walk On is about heaven, and I guess that’s valid. But, I think it can be about any metaphorical journey. For me, I take it to be more about the journey toward being a writer. One of my favorite lyrics of all time is in this song:

“You’re packing a suitcase for a place, none of us have ever been. A place that has to believed to be seen.”

I LOVE that line, and I’ve had it posted on my bulletin board at some point..

That’s how I see my journey toward being a successful writer. I’m trying to do something that no one I know has ever done, or knows how to do. And it takes a tremendous amount of faith to believe that I will get there, because the obstacles are great. The truth is, sometimes I feel like they’re too great. The probability that I’ll “make it” as a writer, is fairly low, and I’ve rolled the dice and thrown in all my chips. I’ll gone all in, and the odds are stacked against me…And yet…

And yet I believe.

I believe either because I know who I am in in Christ, or because I’m really dumb. There are days I believe either.

There are days that I think I must be delusional to think that I could get where I’m trying to go with my writing. There are days that I think I’ve somehow missed it and I’ll never make it, and the strands of gray popping up in my hair mock my fading youth. There are days I get so frustrated, because I don’t know how to take the next steps. And, in those days, that line comes back to me.

“You’re packing a suitcase for a place, none of us have ever been…”

I also like the end of the song, where he lists out all the things you have to leave behind. And on the surface, he’s talking about what we often invest our time and energy in here on earth, versus their eternal value.

But, I always take it more when Jesus told the disciples that to follow him, they’d have to leave everything behind.  “Put down your nets and follow me,” he said to them. I think that’s the truth about pursuing your destiny in Christ. You get to a point, where you can’t hold on to your old life, your normal life. You’ve got to “take the blue pill,” and never look back.

So I’ve rolled the dice…

And now, “You’ve got to leave it behind.”



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