I woke up this morning, got dressed and said, “Okay, this is the day the miracle has to come….or else…or else…nothing. It just has to.” I’ve found in my life, that it’s shockingly easy to have faith, but it’s entirely different to trust God to be…God.
This week, I made the biggest leap of faith I’ve ever made in my life…ever. In essence, I felt God told me to move across the country, to go to graduate school, with no place to live, and just a couple hundred dollars in my pocket. (That’s the gist of it, there’s a WHOLE lot more to the “why,” but that’s not the point of my story, so I won’t bog you down in details). Before I made the jump, I prayed like no one’s business..and then I took a leap of faith. You know, one of those where you just close your eyes and….jump.
I got on that plane, and said, “Okay, God it’s just you and me out here. You’ve got to do this.”
I remembered all the stories I had heard as a kid of people doing weird things like this, and God coming through in a crazy, miraculous way. Like, the lady who had no money, and felt God tell her to go to the grocery store and fill up her cart, and stand in line. As she stood in line, she struck up small talk with the gentleman behind her. As they chatted, he said, “I believe God told me to pay for your groceries.” Or the stories of students who had no money and registered for university, and some wealthy stranger in line behind them paid for their tuition. Living in faith communities, there are hundreds of these stories told from pulpits. I’ve always felt a tinge of bitterness hearing these stories, because I never experienced anything like that. But, as one pastor put it, “People complain that they’ve never seen the dead rise, but how many dead people have you laid hands on?” Good point. You can’t see the miraculous power of God if you don’t ask for it.
So I did. The whole week before I jumped, I was filled full of the faith that moves mountains. I believed God would come through in a way I had never seen. Everywhere I turned, I heard the voice of God say, “Go.” Whenever I started to doubt, I would hear it again, “Get on that plane and don’t look back.” Over and over I heard it. So, when I boarded that plane, I had faith pumping red through my veins.
The last couple of days, I have registered for school, and seen the small miracles as I registered quickly, easily, and even started assignments. But, in the back of my mind is this nagging thought, that I have nowhere to stay permanently. Two more days, and I have no choice but to turn around and get back on that plane in failure. The failure of faith.
So, today, I woke up believing that today would be the day to put faith into action. And, it’s difficult. The most difficult task I’ve ever done. Because faith does require a certain amount of action. God typically does not materialize miracles out of thin air. Most miracles look like ordinary events that if you aren’t paying attention, look like convenient coincidences. There’s the Scripture that says when you’ve done all you can do, stand. When do I stand, and when do I continue to kick at closed doors? I’ve never known the difference. So, here I am, the moment to put faith into action, and and, all I can do is drink coffee, and do anything but the steps into action. I am frozen with fear and unbelief.
What have I done? How ridiculous was this plan?
And I hear the voice of God say, “I haven’t brought you here to fail.” But, what does that even mean?
It’s so much easier to have faith that God can do anything, than to trust him to actually do it. This is the biggest test of my faith I have ever had.