I went on a job interview recently. I really wanted this job and I was nervous, so I put way too much into getting ready. Then I made the worst mistake. I had my nails done.

(Disclosure: I’m a horrid photographer and not particularly handy with photo-editing software either. So, after about twenty some odd tries to get a good picture, I finally settled on a stock image. I have no idea whose nails those are!)

But my nails are these gorgeous pink-tipped acrylics. They looked great when I explained my writing career and expounded on how I would be a great addition to the PR firm. They also look super good when I swipe through my phone, or walk around the mall with the overpriced Guess bag that I managed to get an amazing deal on. But, when it comes to real life…FAKE NAILS SUCK!

Things You Can’t Do With Fake Nails

1. Type. When I was a receptionist, and all I had do was push “Hold,” and “Transfer,” acrylic nails looked super sexy. When I was a retail sales associate, they looked great as I swiped debit cards and explained the difference between Max Lucado and Philip Yancey. (Not much, if I recall). When I was a nanny, I knew better. But, now, as a writer… well, do you know how long it took to type that paragraph?! I feel like I should take a coffee break before I start the next one!
2. Open a Coke Can. Don’t even try. You’ll need a pen cap or a quarter. But, don’t even bother doing it yourself.
3. Wash dishes. There is no way you’ll scrub the grease and grime off the pot with these plastic nubs. And without breaking them? Yeah right. I guess this is sort of the point to fake nails. “I’m so dainty and spoiled, I don’t have to do housework.” Bularky.
4. Scratch…anything. You would think with these long nails, you’d have some super-scratch power. Not so. There’s nothing worse than trying to scratch an annoying itch with nothing but blunted plastic. You eventually just settle for a vigorous rub.
5. Carry anything moderately heavy. I’m not a super lifter, but I won’t shy away from carrying a heavy box, or dragging a piece of furniture across the room if necessary. But, now my fingertips wince in pain at the idea. I never thought I’d be one of those girls– “I don’t want to break a nail!” But they were expensive, and they are only supposed to last about two weeks anyway. I want my full two-week’s worth!
6. Handwrite. During the interview, they had me fill out some paperwork. When I turned it in, I’m sure they wondered if I was half-literate with my chicken scrawl.
7. Peel an Orange. This was a last minute addition to the list, and yes, it was painful.
8. Keep them clean. Everything from food particles to lotion, to God-Knows-What gets stuck under there. You have to constantly keep washing them.

Things You Can Do With Fake Nails:

1. Look Dainty and Sit Pretty.  Oh my vapors, where is Gloria Steinem when you need her?!  The whole Damsel in Distress thing is so overrated. Knights in Shining Armor don’t take money, but they aren’t free either.

I know I probably could have articulated this better. But, typing this was hard enough. All you’re getting is a rough draft today. Sorry. Just take my advice and don’t get your nails done.