I am a couple of days late with this post, I know. But, this holiday season has been a bit different for me. Each year, the holidays lose a little more glisten and glitter, and they seem to become progressively less magical.
Of course, I will admit, that every Christmas and Thanksgiving, there are about five minutes of genuine magic and sense of spirit. But were they worth everything it took to get them? Were they worth all of the cooking, the bad music, the expense, the shopping, the decorating, the party coordinating…
This year in particular, the holidays just seemed to float by…another day, like all the others. It could be because I mainly just worked through them. But maybe it has to do with this feeling of taking stock. The holidays are supposed to be some sort of marker to examine and give account for your life. I dread this moment every year.
Yes, I’m still single. Yes I’m still a broke, unknown writer. Just like last year, thanks for asking. No, I am no longer a gypsy teacher touring the country and living in a California art commune. Yes, I know that was really interesting, but I quit doing that two years ago. Now I just write things people never read. That’s interesting too, isn’t it? Wait, where are you going? Was it something I said?
This year marks the ten year anniversary of my college graduation. Ten years I have fought the fight for success, to make my way in the world, to use my passion, energy and talents make a difference, whatever that means. And have I?
Every December, after the discarded gift wrap has been thrown out and the Christmas leftovers set to harden in the fridge, I spend a week reflecting.
I reflect on the journey of my life, and I pledge that this year I will do better. This year will be my best year ever. And I spend that week before New Year’s Day journaling and soul searching and writing out resolutions and plans. By mid-January, the plans have slipped. Somewhere in April I find them and laugh. In October I scurry about and try to put them back into action before January. Better late than never, I think. This lasts about two weeks.
This time, I don’t really have a vision for 2015. I have no grand plans other than to keep pushing forward. Keep my goals ahead of me, like I always have. I have no rosy ideas for what this year will be. I hope it’s a good one, but I know that life deals you what it does, and you just have to roll with it sometimes.
I used to think Bono was so cynical when he wrote that lyric, “Nothing changes, New Year’s Day.” But, that’s how I feel this year. Life is a battle, and it doesn’t let up because the numbers on the calendar change. You have to keep fighting. Fighting for the prize. And maybe one day, it will all be worth it. Maybe not.